a rant...

what do you do when you have a good job that you like, live in a place that is beautiful and have at least a few good friends around.... but you're still not really happy?

Is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? Sometimes I feel like an ungrateful little wretch because the Lord has blessed me in so many things. And yet, all I want to do is go home. I miss my family. I miss my church. I miss my niece. I miss my friends and people who have known me since I was a kid. I miss the trees in Massachusetts. I miss the coast and the ocean and the beach. I miss rain and gray clouds. I miss being in school. I miss having kids around. I miss random family get-togethers. I miss seeing my little cousins' sporting events.... the list could go on and on.

Is this the time when I should evaluate what it is that I want in life? What it is that God has made me and purposed me for? And what if THIS is it - what I've been doing for the last few years in Colorado? It doesn't feel like "it". I'm not genuinely happy with my better-than-mediocre life and salary. But do I stick it out anyway for a couple years because it's the responsible thing to do? And then don't we always run into the ever popular question - does God want me to be happy? There are some who would say, "well... where does it say that in the Bible? What God wants is obedience, trust, love, faithfulness, patience..." So am I the opposite of those things if I am unhappy and seem ungrateful for the ways He's provided? Do I think I am so entitled to happiness because I'm a middle-class American? But, as a daughter of the King, wouldn't my loving heavenly Father want me to be happy, to delight in His gifts and to serve others in His name in the capacity He's created for me?

And what about responsibility - is it irresponsible to leave a job for one that pays less despite the enormous burden of student loans? Will I ever be in a place financially, where I can even think about finishing my Master's degree?

So what's a single, almost 30, girl to do? Throw caution to the wind, as I have often done in the past, and trust the Lord who has never let me down? Stick it out, quit complaining and choose happiness because there are so many who don't have a job and it's the responsible thing to do?

What in all of this is honoring to God? What showcases His glory? Am I even making a difference for the Kingdom where I'm at....

If you were to ask me, Becky - in the midst of all of your questions who is it that you want to be? I would tell you to read the Great Divorce and on pages 118-120, it describes a Lady who impacted her world in small ways, through Love, and that made all the difference. And it causes me to pause and ask myself, does the place matter? And I want to say that it does... but I don't know for sure. Because I feel the Lord continuing to ask me to be patient, wait on Him and listen. For what? I don't know... but I'm hoping it will be a still, small (audible please, Lord?) voice behind me saying, "this is the way, walk in it, when I turn to the right or the left." (Is. 30:21)

Isaiah 30:15, 18-20

"For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.'...Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, ' This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."