a rant...

what do you do when you have a good job that you like, live in a place that is beautiful and have at least a few good friends around.... but you're still not really happy?

Is that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? Sometimes I feel like an ungrateful little wretch because the Lord has blessed me in so many things. And yet, all I want to do is go home. I miss my family. I miss my church. I miss my niece. I miss my friends and people who have known me since I was a kid. I miss the trees in Massachusetts. I miss the coast and the ocean and the beach. I miss rain and gray clouds. I miss being in school. I miss having kids around. I miss random family get-togethers. I miss seeing my little cousins' sporting events.... the list could go on and on.

Is this the time when I should evaluate what it is that I want in life? What it is that God has made me and purposed me for? And what if THIS is it - what I've been doing for the last few years in Colorado? It doesn't feel like "it". I'm not genuinely happy with my better-than-mediocre life and salary. But do I stick it out anyway for a couple years because it's the responsible thing to do? And then don't we always run into the ever popular question - does God want me to be happy? There are some who would say, "well... where does it say that in the Bible? What God wants is obedience, trust, love, faithfulness, patience..." So am I the opposite of those things if I am unhappy and seem ungrateful for the ways He's provided? Do I think I am so entitled to happiness because I'm a middle-class American? But, as a daughter of the King, wouldn't my loving heavenly Father want me to be happy, to delight in His gifts and to serve others in His name in the capacity He's created for me?

And what about responsibility - is it irresponsible to leave a job for one that pays less despite the enormous burden of student loans? Will I ever be in a place financially, where I can even think about finishing my Master's degree?

So what's a single, almost 30, girl to do? Throw caution to the wind, as I have often done in the past, and trust the Lord who has never let me down? Stick it out, quit complaining and choose happiness because there are so many who don't have a job and it's the responsible thing to do?

What in all of this is honoring to God? What showcases His glory? Am I even making a difference for the Kingdom where I'm at....

If you were to ask me, Becky - in the midst of all of your questions who is it that you want to be? I would tell you to read the Great Divorce and on pages 118-120, it describes a Lady who impacted her world in small ways, through Love, and that made all the difference. And it causes me to pause and ask myself, does the place matter? And I want to say that it does... but I don't know for sure. Because I feel the Lord continuing to ask me to be patient, wait on Him and listen. For what? I don't know... but I'm hoping it will be a still, small (audible please, Lord?) voice behind me saying, "this is the way, walk in it, when I turn to the right or the left." (Is. 30:21)

Isaiah 30:15, 18-20

"For thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.'...Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, ' This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." 

Lola lately

Since this blog also includes Lola in its title, I figured I should give an update on the oh-so-stressful life of my cat... no longer kitten. (sad face) we celebrated a year together this June - she gave me lots of cat fur to clean up and I gave her new low-calorie cat food because you can't say she's just "fluffy" anymore... she was a little ticked that I thought so and also annoyed that I left to go see my new niece on our 1 year anniversary. She got over it though when we discovered her new favorite thing - which is chasing balled up receipts around the house. favorite. game. ever. and extremely entertaining to watch. And since Target keeps me supplied with receipts, she has endless fun chasing bouncy wads of paper around the house and skidding on the fake wood floor.

and while I'm sure she misses her buddy Linus, it seems she's perfectly happy to reign solo as the Queen of 3112 Stanford.

this bag suits me just fine, thanks.

what?

mom, i hate the vet. but i love my fleecy snowman blanket.

my life is so haaaaaaard.

well look at this bowl, perfect for a small kitty such as myself, i think i will curl up in it.

electronics are warm.

are you saying i'm in the way? 

keeping watch & potential intruders at bay. 

mom, this new yellow chair is the bomb.

Blessings.

Jordan Rebecca Holmes, my first niece!!! was born on June 24, 2011.  I haven't met her yet but cannot even WAIT to!  She is so perfect and precious and I can't wait to hold all 8 lbs of her in my arms.

Totally adorable, right?!

Gosh, I love her. 

SO much already.

Know what really gets the tears flowing though? The fact that my sis and bro-in-law gave her my name as her middle name. Is there any greater honor than to have someone named after you? I get all choked up just thinking about it. 

I'm excited for the years to come, to watch this little one grow and learn and love...learning from my baby sister as she takes on the wonderful new responsibility of caring for one completely dependent upon her...watching as Jordan's new daddy takes on the role of protector and provider, realizing the greater responsibility they share together for this sweet new life.  It's going to be a great adventure! 

Firey Faith.

Hello again.
I know, it's been a while... but really, this blog is not about keeping an update on my daily life but more an outlet to share deeper thoughts and ideas - especially on faith as I stumble along.  Lately I've been thinking more about how selfish I am. And it's really easy to become that way when you live on your own and only have yourself (and a small cat) to worry about. Some of the things God has been teaching me lately though have to do with self-sacrifice and self-control and self-denying.  And at the end of the day, I do know that I want my life to matter to God. I want it to have meant something here on this earth and I want my heart to align with His. To burn with a firey passion for people, as His does. But it often seems like such a struggle and there are so many distractions.  And as I was thinking these things... I remembered another Brooke Fraser song called, "Love, Where Is Your Fire?" And of course I'm going to copy the lyrics below...

But first, have you ever considered that maybe we don't have to strive for a firey faith all on our own? And maybe the Lord wants us to ask him for a little help? He wants my heart to passionately burn for Him and the things he cares about, too. Because really, life is short and not about me. It's ultimately about the bigger story of how the great and Almighty God lowered himself to take on human form and flesh. He lived with us here on our fallen, decaying earth for the sole purpose of being with us, loving us, and telling us about the Only Way we could ever live freely and eternally with God - starting now and lasting even beyond physical death. He gave up every privilege. He gave up Heaven. He came to us because we could not go to Him on our own. So he created a way. Through His only Son. And if you know and believe this truth, then your life is about carrying out that message. That's what He left as our work to accomplish on this earth (matthew 28: 19-20). It's a "ministry of reconciliation" (2 corinthians 5:18) and it doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Living your life, each moment, with different people and in different circumstances, is all to point to that truth that you have been reconciled - brought back to a relationship with your Creator God, your debt paid.

When you think in those terms - selfishness seems kind of silly, doesn't it? But oh how often I need that reminder. And so... here is the song I wanted to share with you and the prayer that I am praying as my faithful God continues to work in my life and teach me about these plans he has for me, and the role He asks me to play in reconciling the world to Himself.  Because it is true that, one day at the name of Jesus, every knee will bow and every tongue confess He is Lord. I hope you believe and accept it deep in your heart.  Strive to follow hard after Jesus and embrace where He'll lead you in this world to fulfill his wonderful call of redeeming lost sheep to the Shepherd.

Brooke's lyrics about a firey love...

Love, where is your fire? I've been sitting here smoking away

making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, but still there's no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow

but I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone

some urge me to be temperate, but lukewarm will never do

'Cos I, I wanna blaze with you

So I'm holding my heart out to you

Holding my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches

speaking words that are lamps to their feet

'Til the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one and the fire in me is complete

Some tell me to be moderate but lukewarm will never do

'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you

So I'm holding my heart out to you

Holding my heart out

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind

That I'll offer you me and you'll politely decline

So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it.. away, away, away...

'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you

So I'm holding my heart out to you, to you, to you

'Cos I, I know I'll blaze with you

So I'm holding my heart out to you

Holding my heart out...

music and lyrics

  To be able to express emotion lyrically and musically is, I think, an incredible gift. This afternoon I was listening to Brooke Fraser.  Her album, "Albertine" might be my favorite - with such thoughtful and reflective lyrics, I find myself copying down much of what she's written.

  Seeds is a beautiful picture of legacy and the importance it should hold in how we live our lives.  It touched me anew as I listened today and thought of my little niece who will be joining us in a few short months.  I've copied the lyrics below and linked the song above. Just listen a minute and think on the privilege (and responsibility) we're given in leaving a legacy behind for the next generation. I pray I still have many years left to live... but even if that's not the case I hope there's a semblance of One who is greater in my life and that His works and words shine more brightly than mine ever could.

  ...and to the little pink bundle in the oven... I have you in mind, sweet  one, as I strive to follow the Father's call and pray that you, too, will know Him as your own one day.

  with all my love,
    auntie becky

night

field of stars above us

you pick one

we frame it with

our fingers

intertwined

seeds of every generation

between our hands

and the promise

to teach you the

little I have

learned

so far

child

what will you live to do?

what have i left for you?

what will we leave behind?

you

learning as you're growing

not yet knowing

the world isn't

always quite as

beautiful

as it is now

child

what will you live to do?

what have i left for you?

what will we leave behind?

night

field of stars above us

i pick one and

name it for you

and all who are to come...

Waiting is...

So, I've had some time to be introspective tonight.  As I journaled and read through some Scripture, I came across a quote I had written down back in college. I thought it was appropriate to share and hopefully, encouraging to the 9 people who might check my blog.  It's from Elisabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity" and she is actually quoting S.D. Gordon in "Quiet Talks on Prayer".  It's all about waiting...

"Waiting is...
     steadfastness, that is holding on;
     patience, that is holding back;
     expectancy, that is holding the face up;
     obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
     listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear."

Elisabeth then writes, "How long Lord must I wait? with this response, "Never mind, child. Trust me."

And as I read this, I thought to myself... yes, waiting can be hard. Not knowing what you're waiting for can be even harder. But in the meantime, instead of focusing on the unknown and the time "wasted"... look how much waiting teaches me, grows me, and reflects more of Christ's character in me - if I'll allow His perfect work to be done as I wait.

So, I find myself thankful for time gone by. For a Father that's jealous for precious time with me - to teach, grow, shape and love on a heart He delights to call his daughter.

Can you trust Him with your time? There are no safer hands...

"...steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord" Psalm 32:10b

things happen fast.

Well... it's been a while. November 15, blogger tells me, was my last post. Let's just say it was a busy few months there.

since my last post, I...

- found out I was going to be an Aunt to my sister's first baby
- was asked to consider a new position at work
- was told I would be headed to Thailand for about a month for work
- traveled back to MA for my 10 year high school reunion and surprise engagement party for a dear friend
- accepted the new position at work and committed to 3 years with ELIC in Colorado
- traveled to Chicago for a work event
- traveled back to MA for Christmas/New Years
- planned/organized my sister's bridal shower
- traveled back to MA for MOH duties and my sister's wedding
- traveled to Thailand for work
- found out Kris and Jon are having a girl!
- arrived back in CO and started my new job
- realized my 29th birthday is in 2 weeks... (yikes! where does the time go?!)

yep. that's about the gist of it. So, now you're caught up on my life.
As for my thoughts? Well, there are many. And frankly, I don't feel like diving into that mess right now. But let's just say that God is so good and so faithful. And Michael Card is an excellent speaker - I'm thrilled he was at the Thailand conference this year. Thank God for his wisdom and encouragement.
And Lola? Well, she got a bath tonight and wasn't happy about it. The scratch marks on my back can attest to that. Note to self:  Next time clip claws pre-bath.  Also - I think Lola gained more weight than me in the month I was gone... Auntie Katie spoils her.

Oh and one more thing. I've decided to start swimming because it's supposed to be an excellent work out and I'm tired of being lazy. So to kick the lazy out the door, we've got a 10k in the Colorado Marathon on May 1 in Fort Collins. And if I'm up for it... possibly a sprint tri-athalon in Loveland in July. We'll see if I can swim more than 2 laps before collapsing. Hopefully there's a lifeguard on duty at the gym. I'm not so worried about biking or running - because let's be honest, I'm not trying to win this thing, but the extent of my swim lessons were "sessions" in Nana's pool when I was like 6 years old. So yeah. You can pray for me.

And here's a wonderful verse that I've been thinking on lately...

"...let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith". Hebrews 10:22

also, this one: "...but for me, it is good to be near God". Psalm 73:28